The IEP - How the School Can Help

I attended an IEP ( Individual Education Program ) meeting for my boy yesterday, as I have many times before, and it occured to me that some parents could use a little guidance on this.

Attending the IEP meeting (or whatever it's called in your state) will be yourself, the Special Education teacher, other teachers of your child, sometimes a parent representative (advocate), and usually some therapists which may be the Physical, Occupational, or Speech Therapist, Psychotherapist or all four.

Just an aside here: The Physical Therapist covers coordination and gross (large muscles) motor function. They work on walking, hopping (an important indicator of coordination), balance and many body mechanical functions such as getting on and off the toilet independently.
The Occupational Therapist focuses on ADL's ( activities of daily living ), such as feeding oneself, brushing teeth, holding a pencil, using scissors. These are called "fine motor" activities because they all involve using your hands.
The Speech Therapist is the one autistics need the most and the longest. They should be called Speech and Cognative (thinking) therapists. Long after an autistic can speak, they need cognative therapy to be taught problem solving skills (What do I do if I see fire in the house?), abstract thinking ( Why does Grandma call me a honey bun?) , social filters (Why can't I tell an ugly person that I think they're ugly?).

Some parents approach these meeting with an adversarial attitute "They're not gonna tell me what's good for my kid!"

Remember that the people in the meetings are professionals. They do not love your child, nor should they. You are the only one in the room who loves your child. And because of that love, you are biased. This doesn't mean you are wrong, it only means you see your child through the eyes of love which can make hard facts difficult to accept.

I regard the teachers and aides as my tools. Their expertise and experience gives me knowledge of how my child acts when I can't see him. Through their eyes I can gain the objectivity I need for critical decisions.

It is vital that you have a positive working relationship with your child's IEP team!

I find you get what you give. If you bring a hostile attitude and distrust to the table, that's what you'll get back. If you bring a pleasant demeanor and show a willingness to listen, you will be listened to when you speak.

CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES! Before you go into the meeting, identify your three most important objectives. When it's your turn for input, state your objectives clearly and concisely. Limit your non-negotiable items to one or two things.

For example: I shared only one non-negotiable demand: "Jacob must have a one-on-one aide assigned to him for any school trips. He is highly distractable. He wanders and and doesn't have the problem solving skills to get himself out of a jam. This is non-negotiable for me. I'll compromise with you on anything else, but this is a major safety issue."

This is roughly what I said. Please notice there is no veiled threat, no attitude. Just what I need for him, why, and a clear statement that this is my priority item. I got total cooperation on this item because I was willing to cooperate on everything else.

COOPERATION AND COMPROMISE ARE NOT CAPITULATION!

Keep your priorities straight! What is good for your child may not be what is good for your ego. I have often felt foolish when someone suggested something that was so obvious upon hearing it, that I was embarassed not to have thought of it myself! Now, I just say, "What a great idea! I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner!" If a teacher or therapist thinks less of me for missing what they thought was obvious, that's their perogative, it doesn't mean I have to agree.

Educate yourself about your child's condition. Respect the experience and expertise of the teaching and therapeutic professsionals. Acknowledge what is objectively true about your child's abilities. Acknowledge what is objectively true about your parenting abilities. And be realistic, there are no perfect parents or perfect children. Fix what you can fix, do what you can do, and let other people fill in the gaps. Learn to accept help with grace and gratitude. It will be your turn to help someone else soon enough...

Your autistic child will outlive you. It is your obligation to make your child as independent as possible to give them the most secure life you can. I can't speak for other parents, but no single thought frightens me as much as "Who will take care of Jake when I'm gone?" To this end I have and will make all sacrifices called for. I know I am not unique, I know anyone reading this feels the same way.

You can leave questions in the Comments part of this blog and I'll try to help. I encourage you to make entries in this blog to allow other parents to benefit from anything you've learned.

P.S. I know this is politically incorrect, but don't forget to pray. You don't even have to believe in God, God believes in you. Watch for the angels. Strangely enough, the people you need seem to show up in your life just when you need them, you'll think they're a godsend, and hey - maybe they are!