Telepone Conversations

It's so arduous to talk with autistics over the phone. They basically answer yes or no to specific questions. I can hear my son squirming to get off the phone. He can barely read cues from faces when you're talking to him, he can't read anything from a voice. I steer all conversations to what ever he might find interesting. It's a struggle. I love my son, but there's no warmth in his love, he can't project any feelings of love or care. Only in extreme cases.

In high school, his favorite teacher died of cancer. It hit Jake harder than I anticipated. He cried, a first. He thought he could have done something to save his teacher. He was very depressed for a few weeks. It was like he was having his first authentic intense emotion and he didn't know how to process or manage it. I told him to put his face in his pillow and scream and cry. Pushing out the emotion would make him feel better. He followed my advice and felt better afterwards. So sad. Most children gradually learn about grief, like when the lose a pet when they are young. But autistics take so long to emotionally grow - if at all - that when those big events hit, they hit hard.

So don't feel bad if you just can't get that warm loving feeling going between you and your autistic child. It's nothing that you're doing wrong. If you keep yourself emotionally open to them, then that's all you can do. And sometimes they can reciprocate, be it an intensive positive or negative emotion. You have to be there to help them name it and claim it. Experience it and reassure them that all emotions change. If they feel bad now, it won't last, they will regain their emotional balance. Usually it's a retreat to their world of total or near silence. But each venture out of their silent cocoon makes the world a little less frightening for them.

Hope this helps someone, and God bless us, everyone.

Who Needs This?

I am starting up my parenting blog again after a long absence. I wasn't sure my experiences would truly be helpful to anyone, but a friend convinced me to start it up again after I helped a friend of hers whose 3 1/2 year old son was just diagnosed with autism.

Here's my Advice for Beginners

#1 Don't Panic. There's lots of help out there for autistics and the resources base will only increase as the diagnostic percentage rises. When I had my son in 1990, autism happened once in 30,000 births and was viewed as the mother fault, something she failed to do during a critical bonding period. Today the occurrence is one in 91 births - far too rapid an increase for a 20 year period. I have my own theories about what's causing it, but it doesn't matter for you today. You have to cope with today, however you can, as best as you can.

#2 No parent does less than their best. You aren't raising this kid in a vacuum. You have a spouse, other kids, a job, a senior to care for, or any myriad of obligations that have to be addressed along with everything the kid needs. No parent does less than their best everyday. Considering all the other things going on in your life, you make the best choice for your child in that moment. If you can't take him to PT because there's no money to put gas in the car today, change the appointment, or call the therapist and tell them the truth and find out what you can do at home for the kid today. Then, do your best to fit in in between loads of laundry and figuring out what's for dinner.

#3 Don't swim upstream, don't fight the current of their rituals. Autistics will not relent unless and until their ritual is completed. Does that mean everything and everyone in the house has to predicate their actions on the needs of the autistic? Yes it does. If you break their rituals, they will break you. Just take a deep breath and let them do whatever they have to do in order for the day to go on.

more later, stay well everyone