Telepone Conversations

It's so arduous to talk with autistics over the phone. They basically answer yes or no to specific questions. I can hear my son squirming to get off the phone. He can barely read cues from faces when you're talking to him, he can't read anything from a voice. I steer all conversations to what ever he might find interesting. It's a struggle. I love my son, but there's no warmth in his love, he can't project any feelings of love or care. Only in extreme cases.

In high school, his favorite teacher died of cancer. It hit Jake harder than I anticipated. He cried, a first. He thought he could have done something to save his teacher. He was very depressed for a few weeks. It was like he was having his first authentic intense emotion and he didn't know how to process or manage it. I told him to put his face in his pillow and scream and cry. Pushing out the emotion would make him feel better. He followed my advice and felt better afterwards. So sad. Most children gradually learn about grief, like when the lose a pet when they are young. But autistics take so long to emotionally grow - if at all - that when those big events hit, they hit hard.

So don't feel bad if you just can't get that warm loving feeling going between you and your autistic child. It's nothing that you're doing wrong. If you keep yourself emotionally open to them, then that's all you can do. And sometimes they can reciprocate, be it an intensive positive or negative emotion. You have to be there to help them name it and claim it. Experience it and reassure them that all emotions change. If they feel bad now, it won't last, they will regain their emotional balance. Usually it's a retreat to their world of total or near silence. But each venture out of their silent cocoon makes the world a little less frightening for them.

Hope this helps someone, and God bless us, everyone.